of all the silly nonsense

i love you.  i do not have one single doubt about that.  you are the person that i compare all other prospects to.  if a guy doesnt make me laugh, tingle, or drive me absolutely insane the way that you do i automatically write it off as doomed.  but you see the problem is that there is not one single person on this planet that can make me feel the way that you do.  you are different, no, WE are different.  we hate eachother, you have annoyed the crap out of me from day one.  but that annoyance is what ultimately made me fall head over heels for you.  we have the strongest love that ive ever known.  i regret letting you go in the first place, for not explaining to you the reason why i felt like i had to let you go.  i was young and you scared the living shit out of me… my feelings for you scared me.  from the minute i knew that i loved you, i knew that i wanted to ALWAYS love you.  i knew that you were going to be the guy that i married and had a million babies with.  but at 17 that is an utterly terrifying feeling.  the thought of never experiencing anyone else was terrifying.  i had to go be wild, i had to do everything i had ever thought i would do before i met you.  i had my life mapped out and you came out of nowhere and put a ring on my finger. the thought of my life map changing forever was terrifying and my stubborn side wasnt ready to give in.  i never doubted that i wanted to marry you and have a million babies, i just needed to put it on hold.  lets just say that the pause button backfired in the face.

boom.

soo there you have it, you are it for me.  this i do not doubt, even nearly 5 years later.  we lose touch for a while but no matter what we have always remained “friends”.  ive spilled my guts in the hardest email ive ever written, you basically told me you cant trust that im serious this time and i honestly dont blame you.  to you, i gave us up… because i never explained my reasons.  because i never realized my reasons until the thought of you marrying and having a million babies with someone else became reality.  seeing your new gf posting pictures of your weekends away all over facebook makes me want to literly vomit.  im not strong enough to deal with that, not yet.  and if after 5yrs i still cannot fathom you with anyone else, i dont think ill ever be able to deal with it.  your mine and i dont think ill ever be ready to be just friends.  we have tried the platonic “friends only” lunches and dinners and group hang outs and it always ends up with us in bed together.  we have this undeniable chemistry that can be seen by complete strangers.  we click and that chemistry is what makes it impossible to be just your friend.

maybe we arent ready yet, maybe it will take us 5 more years… maybe i just need you back.